Mirrors, Scars, and Change
American musician Steven Adler (Guns N’ Roses) said, “I look in the mirror and see a few scars, but I like myself.”
Until recently, I couldn’t look in a mirror.
As a kid, I never really thought much about the way I looked, but I still encountered many criticisms of being too short, too plump, too busty, etc. Between 4th and 5th grades, I added glasses to the mix and I gained a lot of weight, so my fifth grade school picture was atrocious. So bad, in fact, that I destroyed all the pictures I could get my hands on, but it still went in the year book.
My headshot, photography by Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography, Dalton, Georgia
When I began entering puberty, that weight gain redistributed itself, and eventually I began to appreciate my looks. But in my early 40s, I began avoiding mirrors. I didn’t like the way I looked and the negative voices ruled the way I felt about myself for 20 years. [Oh - and I realized after I posted, I needed to clarify something. The negativity isn’t coming from my husband. He’s loving, kind, and supportive. But I let the voices of the past hold too much control over me for too many years.]
The cancer diagnosis changed that. Besides the modesty issues that go out the window with all the medical professionals peeking, poking, and prodding, I finally admitted that I was never going to be in my 20s or 30s ever again, so why should I expect to look, act, or feel like I did then? I’ve grown, both mentally and physically (although not vertically, sigh), so it’s time to just be ME and be okay with that.
Negative Voices
During my cancer journey, I verbalized some of those negative voices, always poking at myself with humor. I once asked the surgeon to tackle my fat arms while he was doing the lumpectomy; and over the months, I heard myself using the phrase, “my fat self” and others just as bad, a lot more regularly.
One day, the Lord got my attention as I made some other self-deprecating remarks, and for the first time, I saw the face of the person listening. My negative comment about myself hurt that other person, for some unknown reason, and that hurt me to know I might have hurt her with my words. I began noticing others when I made those kinds of remarks, and saw that EVERY time, my ridiculous comments affected them personally. One lady turned and studied herself in a mirror, then frowned. Had my comments made her question her own looks? Another person shifted her shirt around, like I’d made her uncomfortable.
That was never, ever my intent - so I asked God to help me stop criticizing myself, and to help me love myself and others better. I asked Him to help me see myself with His eyes, and to see others with His eyes, too.
Our Image
Within days - maybe even just a few hours - I found myself subscribing to the newsletters of an image consultant (Donna Roland) I’d never heard of, and I can’t tell you now how I even ran across her, but suddenly, there she was. Then I came across a Facebook post from Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography Studios. She was promoting her 40 Over 40 Photo Project, which was “born from her philosophy that the more we see images of mature women who are happy, confident and unafraid of aging, the more we are encouraged to feel better about ourselves at any age.” I pondered the project and the image consultant, but then we had some family crisis, so I put the ideas on my back burner.
Earlier this spring, Donna sent an announcement about a free 3-Day Fashion Style Challenge so I signed up for it. [For those who don’t know me well - I’m not a clothes person. I’d rather shop for fishing gear, books, or gardening supplies. If I never had to leave my house, I’d wear sweats all the time and not think anything of it. I don’t know the latest trends - didn’t even realize there were seasonal trends until this challenge. So I walked into all of this clueless.]
Then Bobbi Jo announced on her Facebook page an essay contest in recognition of International Women’s Day, so I entered.
Both of these events have been life-changing for me.
Fashion Challenge
The Fashion Challenge was created and conducted by Style By Color. A color quiz, a style statement worksheet, and a closet rehab helped me find my way back to myself, odd as that sounds. For decades, I’d dressed in clothes that never helped me feel my best. With every glance in the mirror, the negative voices flooded me - shamed me - so I quit trying. Style By Color changed that for me. I signed up for their quarterly Closet Outfit Planner, and now I have the confidence to go into a store to look for clothes that I know will work for me, and a group of new friends who encourage and inspire me to be my best. For the curious, my style statement is Gracious Creative Advocate; my color code is COOL; my clothing personality is Creative Original. It was a great learning experience.
40 Over 40
And THEN I won Bobbi Jo’s International Women’s Day contest! The prize package was a 40 Over 40 experience, and it was indeed just that. My photo shoot was on March 21st. Bobbi Jo created a relaxed and comfortable environment so we had fun while she worked. I was pleasantly surprised to discover she’d captured some great images. I’m thrilled to share them now, because I can actually look at myself. I like the woman I am - and the woman I am still becoming - and refuse to let the criticisms or negative voices hold me back.
Bobbi Jo offers encouragement and inspiration as she works. I love this quote from her Facebook page: “I set out to show how beautiful women are as they age, and it’s turned into something magical. So many women over the age of 40 feel that they are disappearing, that they are becoming invisible,” Brooks said. “So, I wanted to show that women at this age are still beautiful, still vibrant. Many are starting new careers, starting new businesses, thriving and giving back.” She’s helped me toss the fears and shame of sharing myself. During my photo shoot, we were discussing the scars I now have since the cancer journey started. Bobbi Jo said, “Scars always have a story to tell.” I told her I was going to steal that line.
The first edition of the 40 Over 40 project will culminate the evening of April 27, with a gallery showing of the 40 portraits at Dave and Pauli’s Art Emporium in Dalton, GA. The event is open to the public, but organizers request an RSVP for planning purposes, so if you’d like to attend, just let me know or click the GOING button on her event page.
If you’re interested in a 40 Over 40 experience of your own, Bobbi Jo is already booking the second edition. Learn more at her website.
Celebrate You!
Tracy celebrating LIFE with confetti raining down! Thanks, Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography for a great experience!